Happier times and snow storms

I wrote most of the below before I had a talk with my wife, guys you know the talks. They comes out of left field and blind side you. Most of what she said was true, or at least I could believe it. She said I came in that night in a bad mood. I didn't think I was, but I could believe it. What I know she said was she was fixing dinner on her own and c ould use some help. That statement or a version of it was the reason I went upstairs to get them to come down and help. The reason I believe her when she said I was in a bad mood was when Nastia says they are going for I walk I cursed at them instead of just saying no you're not. My relationship with Elena is different now then it was before Tuesday night. It will take time for me to feel comfortable being around her like we used to be. The viciousness of the attack stil lingers. I feel a distance has opened up between us that I would like to bridge, but it will take some time. It's a few days later and our relationship is as near to normal as possible. I know it will never be like it was. She knows it too. I was at the sink doing something when she comes up behind me and hugs me, that is something I rarely remember her doing, I felt very special that she was making an effort. And one night, near that night I went into kiss her good night and I saw her smile when I came in. I knew then we could mend our relationship. The weather services has been predicting a storm for several days now. Yesterday they said it would start sometime in the mid morning hours and dump somewhere in the neighborhood of a foot and a half of snow. When I woke up yesterday I expected to see snow, there was nothing. All through the day I expected it to start snowing. I'd even told Teri I'd be home no later then two. At four, it was time to leave to go bowling. I get in my car to go home. I pick up Elena and Nastia and go bowling, still no snow. The weather service is still sure the snow is coming. About midway through bowling I notice it has finally started. A light white powder has covered my car and the ground. Just after we start our second game Nastia askes if we can drive her friend Jessica home. She lives up New Hempstead road, one of the biggest and most dangerous hills in the county. Living in West Nyack with my dad delivering milk to Valley Cottage and Congers, I'd alway heard him talk about the dangers of Sierra Vista drive and Christian Herald road. Christian Herald and Sierra Vista drive are curvy nightmares, while New Hempstead is mostly a stright hill, with a few dips. Once you get going down New Hempstead and you start to slide you might just keep on going until you hit the bottom or maybe the Hudson River. I reluctantly tell Nastia, okay. Jessica's games end before ours and she decides to take the bus instead of waiting. I'm relieved when Nastia tells me. A few minutes before seven we're do and We head out to the car. A couple of weeks ago my heater fan motor broke and I have been waiting for Nastia's car to get on the road to get it fixed. Until you don't have a heater fan motor, you never realize how much you depend on it in a snow storm. I wipe off the car of snow and the three of us get in. I grab a rag from my supply. Rags are one of the most important parts of my emergency kit. The other is a packing blanket, always great to keep warm or put under a tire, if you're in a snow bank. I wipe down the window and start the wipers. The window sorta clears. I put my classic 2000 Pontiac Grand Am in to gear and move forward. As I work my way out of the parking lot I am well aware that the two most precious things in my life are with me tonight and I need to bring them home safely. I make the left onto Main street in New City, the snow seems to fall a little harder, my window won't clear. It's freezing over either on the outside or the inside, I don't know. I keep wiping the inside every few minutes. Near the corner of New Hmpstead Road Nastia says she sees Jessica and she waves. I can't see out the front window. I'm not stopping for her, I can't, I won't. The car starts to lose traction going up the slight hill just after New Hempstead Road. If I'd stopped, I'd never made it up New Hempsterad, much less down it. I turn left onto Conger's Road and continue toward home at a slow pace. I pass the high school and prepare for the infamous S curve that I have always feared my daughters taking during a storm like this one. My car was never made for bad weather and everytime I needed tires I'd say put some on.The tires on my car are for show, not go. The tread is not at all argressive. In outher words the tire and the treads appear very smooth as apposed to all weather tires or the classic snow tires with their large bumps that will dig into snow and push rain asside, while the tire I have will begin to hydroplane very quickly. I head down the hill keeping my foot on the brake, giving the car as little gas as possible. We make it through the S turn and across the causeway before we begin to spin tires on the last little hill before home. My odomoter reves high and the speedometer says the car is going fifty, while we are crawling up the hill at maybe twenty. Near the top of the hill it is questionable if we are going to crest this hill. The speed drops some more as we top the hill. The tires grab some asphalt and we are moving almost normally. The little hill on South Harrison Avenue from Congers road is my last obstacle. On this one I punt and turn on to South Conger Avenue, it's slight grade and no traffic make the last half mile a relaxing victory lap. And yes the heater fan is getting fixed as soon as Nastia's car is on the raod. /

What was I thinking?

I don't want to write this blog, but I am hopping that in the future Elena and I can laugh about it all. Elena and I are sooo much alike, it hurts at times like this. I remember all the times my dad and brother Karl would fight and I would always wait for it to turn violent. Tonight when Elena and I had our episode it was very close to violent. It started out very inocent. I came home and Teri was sad. She was making dinner at 7 at night and complained that no one was helping her. I thought that I should do something about that. So I head upstairs to confront the girl. When I get there they are bundled up to go out for a walk. And as Nastia goes down the stairs she confirms this. So in my most diplomatic of forms I tell them "The fuck you are" or maybe it was something similar, but I di use the word 'fuck'. This is were Elena gets into it. She begins to spew a line of curses woven into vast amounts of anger and even hatred. I don't think the hatred was directed at me, but I just happened to be there and I set it off by cursing at her. Now the funny part and I'm sure we will all laugh about this sometime in the future, maybe. Nastia and Elena had cleared it with their mother to go for the walk. No one had told me though. As Elena spews her anger and hatred in my general direction I notice little bits of spit start to come out of her mouth. It's funny what you notice when you are being assulted by someone you thought loved you more then this. The hatred and anger continue on. My fists are doubled and I am hanging on for dear life. I know if I touch her it will be all over. I think I can still take her but at what cost? The cost of this fight, one I didn't think would happen amd I didn't go up there to cause has already cost too much. All the work I've done to repair the vestages of the previos fight between her and I has most likely gone out teh window, so I hang on for dear life trying not to lose it. Finally I say to no one inparticular, "That's it I'm done, no more." I don't know if I was declaring that I would take no more of her abuse or that I was lewaving or if maybe I was not going to hit her and I was leaving. Whatever it ws I walked down the stairs shaking with the anger she bought up in. I was also sure that same anger boiled more hotly inside her. Ah the passions of youth. I go down into the kitchen, Teri pleading in my ear not to break her. I'm hearing this wondering what I just did if not, not break her. Teri goes in what would normally be heart breaking detail about breaking her. I keep telling Teri to stop. Teri then switches gears and starts complaining that she can't walk around between to fragile egos. I'm hurt and insulted that she thinks I have a fragile. I spent fourteen years in therapy getting in touch with my feelings and she calls it my fragile ego. I feel battered by both sides at this point and I try again to get her to stop. Finally after something she says about Elena, I decide to go upstairs. I think I found a starting point to talk with Elena. I walk through the dinning room from the kitchen with determined steps. Nastia walked into the kitchen just before I left and said Elena had calmed down. Maybe I felt that was my opening. I climb the stairs quitly, only the squeeking of the wood gives away that I am approaching. When I get upstair I am confronted by the closed bathroom door. I call out for Elena in my calmest voice. She replies and I know she is not as calm as Nastia has said. I ask her to open teh door so we can talk, she says no and I am sure now she is still very angry. I wonder for a brief second if I have made a mistake coming up here so soon. I plunge ahead and begin to talk to the door tell her my version of the events and how I didn't come up there to start a fight and I know you don't value my apologys (a left over from a former fight) but I'm sorry. The door opens and when it hits me she says she is sorry. I see her fists clinched and they shake slightly, in adation to her lip trembling. She is still very angry and the adrenaline in her system is still having it's way with her. WE talk more and slowly she starts to unwind. Eventually I have enough courage to ask her for a hung. When she comes to me and hungs me I know it is really over and I hung her back like there is no tomorrow.I tell her I love her. The fight will have a lasting impact on our relationship. well aT least on my side of the relationship. I wonder where we will proceed from here. She hides in her room each night and we rarely talk. When I drive her to work we talk for a little while, then she hides in her music. I don't stop her. Maybe she could use fourteen years of therapy like I went through. I was drinking while I wrote this so I didn't bother editing it. Post mortem: It's the next morning and I've edited some of it. I've improved some of the spelling, but I'm not going to change much more. I woke up sad this morning, feeling a little out of sorts. I was in bed trying not to think about what happened last night. On an emotional level I am very hurt, but on an itellectual level I am able to step back and examine what happened. I cursed really not at her, but at her sister. It caused her to get very angry. Now is this anger which was very over the top and excessive aimed at me or men in general or at people who have power, preceived or other wise? It was too over the top to be aimed solely at me, I think. Elena is dating Matt, but she refuses to admit she is dating him, I think because she has so much invested in this relationship that if it were ever to end and had admitted she is in love with him and dating him, she would have admitted a weakness in addation to being devastated. And that would be too much for her to admit to. So does her anger come from people having power over her, or is it that she attacks men because of the power they may hold over her or does she attack because of a love she is afraid will be withdrawn? I don't know, I have no training except being in the other chair for fourteen years. I'm very afraid for her future if she doesn't get back into therapy. She follows our rules and regulations, but when we are gone will there still be that tether to abide by rules set by people who are not here any more? She doesn't drink much, but as she gets older will that change and cause her problems? She smokes, will that become a problem? I pray to god neither one of us ever have to find out if any of these above things will cause her pain. Life is rough enough without all of those demons running around in your head yelling all of those nasty things they can yell. It took me years to silence mine and sometimes even now I can still hear them. /

Santa Claus is coming to Town and all the crap that goes with it.

Well it's getting near that time of year again and with the occational cold weather comes all the things about Christmas that I hate and love. When the girls were younger Christmas was a lot more fun. They'd get up at the crack of dawn and I'd take videos of them opening their presents. Now with both of them in their twenties, it's a little different. Nastia has a new boyfriend, he is the brother of Amanda's friend.So when I drop Nastia off at work I tell her be safe, work hard and not to have sex with her boyfriend too quickly.

Times have changed. The last few years at Christmas when the girls get up at the crack of 11:30 and stumble down stairs to get something to eat, wait who I'm I kidding, when they stumble down stairs to get a cup of tea or drink some Mountain Dew, they reply to our salutations of merry christmas with their own mumbled hosannas to us about christmas. When presents are not opened at the crack of dawn and everyone waits for someone to get Aunt Nancy, it bring to mind that Teri and I were cheated of the first eight and ten years of their lives and really now they should be just eleven and nine, opening their presents and saying in their broken english, "oh, wow, thank you!",I miss those days. The innocence of those days when I didn't have to ask my daughter not to have sex with her new boyfriend too quickly. When their christmas gift lists and I do have them somewhere consisted of things like gum and candy. It broke our hearts when we read that list. Now they are all American kids and they don't do christmas lists, plus they don't really need anything.If they want something, they work, they get it. I remember my first Christmas when it wasn't magical. Eric come to the door of my room. I was in the front part of the house then and he goes, "Joe, get up it's Christmas" and in my mumbled voice I truely believe my daughters now use on me, I said, "I'll be there in a minute.", but I wasn't. Before all of the joyous celebrations there is the yearly question and fight over the Christmas tree Teri and I have. And it is not even what you'd thing it would be over, well maybe you wouldn't. Well it's not over whether or not we'll have a real Christmas tree. We agreed that we would alternate between them each year, so for the last dozen years wev'e had one real christmas tree. During that time I've usually been overwhelmed by the season even

though Teri does all of the gift buying except for her and my mom. I just get blue sometimes and I don't know why. After the holiday which during the seriously blue times I'd call the hollowdays, I'd promise myself to d better next year. When it was finally next year. I promised myself I'd decorate the house and get a real Christmas tree. I was going to start just after Thanksgiving. I even started looking for the first sign of the season, the tree lots to appear. Yea, I know, the real first sign of the season comes in October when the Christmas displays go up in stores. In the good old days it was when they started playing the Christmas shows on TV and you'd first notice the chill in the air, with it's hint that maybe there would be snow coming and we'd get a white Christmas.

SO last Wednesday Teri meets us at the Covid bowling alley and if you regularly read this blog you know that is when I found out thta Christmas trees are a minimum of fifty dollars. To some that may be a minuscule amount, but I can remember when trees were $19.95. I love live trees and have many fond memories of decorating them, but how can you defend spending fifty dollars on a tree that if yo are lucky will be up in your living room or other room for a mazium of four weeks. And the perfectly retched tree that comes stright out of a Charles Brown Christmas when Charles and Linus are walking through the lot of Christmas tree and they bang on one of the tree and it gives off a metal sound. We bought the perfectly retched tree a few years ago. It is only retched because it has come to represent everything I hate ablut Chrismas and it forced gift giving. It is fake, it is prewired with lights AND MUSIC! Bang on that Charles Brown!! While I'm on my soap box let's talk about whats wrong with Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Teri loves it and the funny thing about it and don't read further if you don't want to be delusioned it is a tail of abuse, rejection, eliteism and an unhappy Santa. I read a story about the creation of the story. It was written by a man who'd just lost his wife to cancer I think. He was related to Johnny Mercer who created the song from it. About 1963-4 a company, maybe Norelco Razor ( I remeber Santa Claus riding down a hill on the electric razor) wanted to promote their product. So ADVERTISING MEN Rankin and Bass (I always thought they were Hollywood types) took the song and created the first Christmas special, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. It opens with Rudolph being born and rejected by his father, Donner, one of Santa's own. It goes down hill from there. I won't bore you with a blow by blow account of the rest of the tail I'm sure we all remember. But let me finish with Rudolph is only accepted by Santa and the rest after he is found to be useful. Kind of sounds like an abusive relationship is foring there. Now I know why there was never a sequel. It'd have to be called 'Rudolph the crack nose, I'll do you for twenty reindeer'

It's December 13th, 2020, the year my wife bought a Christmas orament that says "Fuck 2020" That kind of sums up the year for me too. I have witnessed a change in the world that no one will understand for many years. I do know that Covid has stopped both of my daughters from prusuing higher education. When Covid hit almost a year ago Nastia was trying to become a kindergarden teacher, then a school aide because becoming a teacher was too hard. While Nastia was floundering in her life choices, Elena was avoiding hers completely. She took a pass on going to class in her first semester of College. Then she thought she might be interested in auto mechanics. Neither wanted to do on line classes which are extremely tough on students. I fully expect the two of them to work in their respective grocery stores for the foreseeable future. Maybe they will be like Teri's cousin Kim who worked in a grocery store until she found, maybe not her passion, but at least a path to follow that she is not misserable doing.I can hope. Nastia would be happy just being a mom. I'm not sure if it would be as fulfiled as she thinks it would. Yes having a baby that depends on you for everything is right up her alley. but she what happens after they don't need her any more and she is left without anything to do. And no education or little job experence to do it. Plus if she has also been out of the work force for twenty plus years and if the revolution I see coming arrives and there are no more entry level jobs like cashier. When my grandfather was a kid his dad was a book binder. Then my grandfather was several things, none really a career. My dad was a breadman and a milkman. None of those occupations exist anymore. Boy am I off topic today. Elena is a little more flexable, but I can also see her not finishing her working career in a supermarket. Back on to topic. Well I'm sure you're tired of reading, so I will get back on topic with either part two of this or I will name the next entry something witty or maybe not. I usually can't tell if I'm being a jerk or being funny. /

Nastia goes on a date and Elena just keeps rollin along.

You'd think a pretty girl like Nastia would have boys chasing after her like dogs in heat. There is at least one of her male friends who'd like to date her, but he has gotten himself stuck in the friends zone. He is also a little weird and needs to grow up. He is not a bad looking kid. When he grows up he might get a little more then passing interest from girls, but probablly not Nastia. Nastia right now has specific wants in a boyfriend.The darker the better and she has this thing about abs. At her age I'm sure we all had our list of wants in the opposite sex. I always s had this thing for dark haired women. And I always seemed to date Italian women because at the time I didn't know I was searching for a greater sense of family. Nastia goes on a date in the afternoon, on a Sunday with a brother of a friend of her cousin, Amanda. His name is Brandon. Right now he is a doorman in the city. He has been doing it for about a year. I think Nastia said he studied broadcasting in college. They went out to eat lunch at a dinner. Then they hung out for a while and finished the date off with some pizza down the corner. During Covid, there really isn't anything you can do while on a date. Elena, the closed book has let a few secrets out of her closet about what she likes in boys. I don't think or maybe I don't know if she has a look she likes. I do know she does have a type. She doesn't want a boyfriend or someone she hangs around with to boss her around. If he does, he goes. She has been hanging around with Mathew for a while. I can't say dating, but she has brought him dinner on occation while he has been at work and she does spend sometimes a good poration of the night face timing him. She still says she is not dating him. And as far as I know she is not having sex. There was talk of her going back on the pill, but being the male in the house I have to ask about these things if I want to know and sometimes I do. She still gets real moody at times and like last night it bought the worst out in me. She wanted to borrow my car and she was told she has to put in contacts. She says the doctor says her eyes are good enough to drive at night without them. I say my car, my rules and other rather nasty things. I was trying to be funny about it, but I think it all came out nasty. She get angry and leaves. Later when she goes to leave I talk to her. Ever since she got real angry at me and accused me of being nasty, then saying I'm sorry. leaving the impression my apologies are hollow, I always think twicw before I say I'msorry. She never does. This time I took her in my arms and told her sometimes when she is in a mood, it bring out teh worst in me and I left it at that. I kissed her and told her to be safe and she left. Her monsters were not seen.She came home several hours later and seemed in a good mood. I guess hanging out with a friend can help keep the monsters in the closet.

It's also Nastia's birthday!

It's 8:30 on Thursday December 3, 2020. Nastia sometime today was born 22 years ago in a small town in Russia's far east called Obluchia. From what little I know about the town it is a small town, maybe a logging town or a farming town. I couldn't find any information on line. I couldn't even find mention of the town on line, it's that small. It's now Saturday night 7:41 and Nastia's party is just about over. There are a

few hardy souls left playing a game. I don't think it is cards against humanity. It is a game where you try to guess what something is on a card before time runs out. The party was to start about 2 in the afternoon and last until whenever. Earlier in teh week Nastia and Teri went out to shop for the party. They went to party city and got a bunch of decorations.They also purchased a cake and chips. The plan was to have chips and dips. Then order pizza about three and have ice cream cake about 5.

Vinnie, a guy who has a crush on Nastia showed up first, ten minutes early. Nastia hangs out with him for a while, but has to be told to entertain him every so often when she wanders off. Then about an hour later a group of kids show up. Teri and I have a fight before and during the party. She is angry at me for not fixing the doors to the corner cabinet. It has been an Elena's roof situation, but with extenuating circumstances. I had trouble finding the new hinges. When I did the screws were smaller then the original holes and I wanted to used the originals.I tried to drill the holes in the hinges bigger, but I broke the drill bit. Since then I haven't gotten back to them

again. The fight was not load, but it was intense. I really didn't know what she was angry at me for most of the fight. She has been angry at me, it seemed for a few days. Teri leaves with Nancy and goes to Stew Leonard's. I go upstairs to watch TV, which was part of the problem. She thought a parent should make an appearance, while my experence was during a party, especially as we got older parents were neither seen nor heard from except to clean up vomit from the night before. And I don't know who did that. I don't remember that night. When everybody was here they all sat down to play a card game called cards against humanity. They were some dirty joke tossed around while finishing the sentances. I ordered pizza and I left not wanting to hinder the fun they were having, not that it would stop them it seemed. I went to get the pizza from the corner. I returned with four pizzas. Earlier I'd bought up to my bedroom the firestick planning to watch some movies. After a few moments I fell asleep. About five I came down stairs to take the ice cream cake out of the freezer. I also went and warmed up some pizza for myself. About six, Teri comes home and our fight seems to have blown over like a summer thunder storm, but like all storms it will return if things remain the same.

Ice cream cake is served and a few people go home. The last will leave about eight. Nastia seemed to have fun, so did Elena. And I think everyone else did too. /

Covid burn out

I really don't know if this one will get published. I'm tired of Covid and all the people getting it. The virus has resurged this fall and people are being careless. We had one guy at work come in with covid. The theory goes he must have played soccor with his buddies, caught it there and came into work not knowing it. He works in the packing

department packing meals. He works right next to a women who is about three months, she catches it. The whole packing crew catches it because they were not wearing their masks properly or maybe not at all. I really don't know. A guy named Arturo from the dog food part of the company stepped in to help the packer before anyone knew what was going on and he too got it. A couple of chefs have it and everyone is still not wearing their masks properly. Some chefs in the kitchen have their mouths covered, but their noses exposed, that from what I understand is a waste of wearing a mask. I understand wearing a mask is realy awful. I can't wear it all day long either. When I go into the office in the morning I have my mask on. At night I put my phone and key board in a particular way that I will know if anyone has touched them. Even if they have not I wipe down my desk and anything in the office that I think I might touch during the day. Once I sit down at my desk I will take off my mask. If I get up again I will put it back on. I don't leave my desk without it. If someone comes over to talk to me, it goes on again. I hope this is enough. I really don't want to stop vising my mother who is 86, I think. It's selfish, I know, but especially now I hear that clock ticking loudly.

Donating blood and the new driveway (could you finish my room first!-Elena)

 Elena has asked me several time to go with her to donate blood. I tried recently to donate at St Ann's and have been turned down for low iron in my blood. Elena has not donated since she got her tattoo about two years ago. She was a senior in high school when she donated. Nastia wants to donate, but she is still less then 110 lbs. She said she didn't care. Passing out after she donates is a real possibility, maybe worse, but hates being left out more it seems.

Elena made an appointment for 8AM on Sunday before she went to ShopRite. I waited to make an appointment until Friday so I could only get 8:45. Elena was ok to switch her appointment to that. She needs someone to lean on sometimes. I remember being that way when I was younger and sometime even now I need that person to go with me to do something new. It makes it easier even if they just stand there and do nothing. If things get out of hand or become to complicated there is that other person you can turn to and at least look at, there is that familiar.

We arrived at the office building on Smith Street in Nanuet, not the one in Bardonia. The New York blood center is on the fifth floor and has been there for it seems ever. I've been there before and for some reason I don't like going there. The only reason Elena was going was she felt she was getting harassed by them to donate blood and wanted it to stop. It was surprisingly busy on a Saturday morning just after Thanksgiving. We waited outside the office with our masks securely on until there was space for us. We

enter and are seated in front of the computers. We scan are cards and start answering questions, A couple of time Elena asks me about a question. I tell her how to answer it. A Nurse tells me I have to leave her alone to answer the questions, HIPA regulations and all. I understand why, but she is unsure how to answer. I give her a quick answer to her question as the nurse says if she is unsure she should leave it blank and they would go over it with her. Again I understand why, but it is tough to not help her out when she asks.

I go over to the next station and get my finger pricked. This stage always reminds me of the George Carlin joke about being able to get your finger pricked, but not your ........fingered. (if you don't remember the joke figure it out). And it always does and I always want to know the answer to that joke. Elena gets seated across from me. I take a discreet picture to put in my blog. 

I have my usual conversation about finding my blood vessel with the nurse. I use my usual line about having to hunt and stick and hope to find my vein. She is pretty good. She sticks me and only has to giggle the needle a little to get it in the vein. When she takes the needle out I hold some gauze on the puncture and my arm over my head. In what seems like forever holding it up my fingers begin to feel a little numb. She tells me to bring it down and she takes the gauze away. To my surprise blood begins to flow out of the wound. It is dark red and looks rich and healthy. I watch it form a very small pool in the crook of my arm. I then say 'woops' getting her attention and a new gauze applied. That had never happened to me before. She most have stuck me real good. 

Afterwards I am escorted over to a table and I'm given a goodie bag and a T-shirt. I look at it. It says,
"Oh Snap, I'm a blood donor", boring. I like my idea and I tell Elena and a women who is sitting across the plastic dividered (it's a made up by me Covid term which means a clear plastic diver set up to stop people from infecting others while they eat) table. The shirts should look like they are splattered with blood and say "I donated blood!" 

We leave shortly afterwards. I tell Elena if she feels weak or tired to take a break at work and tell them she donated blood. I drop her off at work and head home. 

At home I decide I must dig out the rest of the new driveway I am building. (What about my bedroom!-Elena) I started with a ten foot wide driveway. I was told it was too narrow, so I added about three feet

or so to it. I thought it was good. Next I am told by Teri and as we are leaving to donated blood by Elena you can't fit two cars there. It wasn't meant for two cars, I was trying to simplify it so no one had to park on the grass, later mud this winter. Well, I decide to add about three feet to the width. And in so doing I am shoveling dirt I'd put on the lawn a second time. I get an hour or so into it and I keep replaying me telling Elena to be careful not to over do it after donating blood. I'm tired, but I continue on. At one point I swear my sight goes dark. I'm not sure it really happened, but I decide to stop and go inside. Nastia calls me asking me to have lunch with her, I go. When I come back all refreshed I dig some more. It's going to rain heavily Sunday nigh I must finish before then. I leave at a little before five to go pick up Nastia and Elena. The end hopefully is in sight for this project. (And what about my Room!!-Elena) 

/

Covid Thanksgiving, a prelude to Covid Christmas and New Years

 It is the Saturday after Thanksgiving. Two days ago we had our Covid Thanksgiving and in a month we will have our Covid Christmas. What do you ask is a Covid Thanksgiving or a Covid Christmas, well all you future people who don't remember Covid, like all of us who didn't remember the Spanish flu of 1918-1919, or even the ones like me who thought they did here is a primer on Covid 19. Some other day we will go into the parallels between the two like when the orange raccoon made masks a political issue killing thousands and we'll compared it to the Spanish Flu when wearing a mask was considered not being manly, a sign of weakness in Hollywood and the nation. It also killed thousands. 

Anyway Covid 19 stands for Corona Virus 2019. It is not the nineteenth Corona Virus like that idiot Tucker Carlson on Fox new said. Future people, if you don't know who he is don't worry, he was a hack who said things just to rile up the masses. There are usually no facts to back up his claims much like the orange raccoon's ranting about voter fraud in the 2020 election. (Off topic further, that was a scary couple of days after the election when it looked like he might win.) Now a Corona Thanksgiving is a Thanksgiving much like the traditional one, except you have it with just your immediate circle of family. We four let a fifth in and were going to admit a sixth or seventh and pray that our good intentions didn't kill someone. We ended up with five. Teri premade the stuffing, the only reason I know to eat turkey. As we all know stuffing outside of the bird is a waste of time and called dressing. And eating an unstuffed bird, Turkey or chicken is also a waste of time. Teri used chicken broth to baste the turkey. My mother used to put all of the innards in some water with an onion and  carrot, I think and use that. The only thing Teri wants to do with the innards is roast them and give them to the dogs. I consider that a waste, but if you want to stay married, you compromise, so I do.

It's nice to see Teri cross over to the dark side (yes future people we had Star Wars first) after we have been married for so long. Years ago, when we redid the kitchen, I wanted a stove with double ovens. One small, one large to cook small or large meals in. Back then Teri said no. So I settled for a griddle in the middle, which is not easy to use or clean so I don't use it. A few years ago Teri says she would have like to have a stove with two ovens, I just smiled, I've been married too long to take the bait of that one and oh, yes, Teri welcome to the dark side. Teri has also started using Muller time. She scheduled dinner for two and we ate at four. Muller time is usually two hours later then normal time. It's sort of like black time (Nastia's ex-boyfriend David's words, not mine) but without as much style.

last year the girls helping

Nastia and Elena wanted to get drunk for Thanksgiving. So I went out with Nastia and purchased some Smirnoff's hard soda. I think it has about the amount of alcohol as beer, or less. The great thing is they both drink like their mother, usually one and done and I believe this was a one and done day. When I brought it home I gave it to Elena and told her to put as much as she could in the refrigerator until her mother complained that there was no room in there for all of that. Traditions like that I just love. I believe they both opened one. Since Thanksgiving I have seen one here or there, never a bunch, but I also don't see the twelve pack in the refrigerator. Are they drinking without me knowing or did it just get put somewhere I don't see.

Dinner was served about 4pm. It was served on the usual plates we would use. That was a disappointment. I remember back in he 60's Mom would take out the china dinnerware. It made it special. They were white with pink or rose colored flowers on them. I think my mom still has them, but they haven't been used in years. The girls did take out the silver plate (I couldn't afford pure silver silverware when I bought them in the 80's) with their slight tarnish on them to eat with when they set the table. A red table cloth was spread over the usually bare dinning room table top. Five places were set. We served our selves from the kitchen, another sin against tradition I didn't like, but it's a holiday. so don't make waves. Once everyone was seated, no blessing was said. None was needed. I think there was a moment before everyone took a bite of their food where everyone paused, well at least I did and thanked god that we and most everybody we knew are safe and so far healthy. Dinner went quick, it was excellent. The turkey didn't look completely cooked, the top was not brown, but the thigh was loose, so we took it out. Turkey, stuffing, sweet potatoes, herbed white potatoes, carrots and gravy, it was a very good meal. Clean up, Nancy went home early and Thanksgiving was over. Now, oh my god Christmas is coming. It still seems like it should be April or maybe May 2020. I feel like Covid has stolen almost a year from my life.

/

Oh, God they're killing me, but at least She survived it.

 Last night, Thursday I get home a little after seven or so. I open up a bottle of beer and then a second one. I'm chilling out. Teri and I are having leftovers for dinner. Nastia has a piece of fish and then she will be going to a friends house. Elena gets out of work about eight.

Long about eight-twenty, the phone rings and Teri and I see it is Elena. Teri picks it up. Immediately she says Elena, calm down, what happened, a few moments later, call 911, where are you? At this point I'm rushing for my coat and shoes. I come back waiting to find out where she is and what happened. I think I hear Old Mill Rd and I'm off. I get in the car and I'm off. What I know about what happened is very little at this point. I thought I hear she hit someone. If she did she stayed at the scene and that was good. I'm doing fifty on King's Highway, my mind is racing thinking about the possibilities I might encounter when I get there. In the back of my mind I register the thought I've had two bottles of beer. I turn onto Old Mill Road and slow down. I don't want to come up on the accident and cause more problems. I cross over the end of Lake De Forest and come up the hill. I get to the place Elena had the flat tire that bent the rim on her tire and I see flashing light. I see a hunk of metal that used to be Elena's car. It's next to a telephone pole. I pull past it get out and see her sitting in her car with the door open, feet on the

ground. I go down to her or she come to me, I don't know. I hug her, hold her and I'm just glad she is alive. She's angry and upset, I tell her it's okay, she's alive and that is all that matters. I talk quietly to her and when she begins to cry, a rare event for her, I tell her to let it out, she is safe and alive and the car can be replaced. Teri shows up in her car, asking if she is ok, I say yes. She parks past me. I tell Elena to go sit in my car. The paramedics show up. They want to do a once over on her and maybe even take her to Nyack Hospital for some x-rays. She doesn't want to go. I sit down in the car and try to get her to go. I'm having no success. Teri says let me talk to her. I get out and she gets in, I walk away. I need to process this and try and come to terms with the fact my daughter almost died. 

This next story is related to me by Teri later that night. She gets into the car to convince Elena to go to the Hospital. She says, "I'm out here without a bra, my boobs are hanging down to my waist, I've got slippers and socks on and feel like I should be shopping at Walmart, you're going to the Hospital." She says at that point she hears someone chuckling and turns around, one of the paramedics heard what she said. 

Elena agrees to go to the Hospital. She gets on the gurney and they wheel her into the Ambulance. Teri follows, I stay to wait for the Tow truck, I don't know why. I hang around, I go over to the car looking for my daughters glasses, I'm lost, I feel we came so close to loosing her this night. 

The tow truck comes and I tell him I want the car driven over to Rt 303 Auto body and I don't want him to touch it until he says he will. He then makes the mistake of answering me with "If I do that I need to get paid first." That sets off my temper which is one of my defenses in bad situations like this. "What do you want." I yell, "I'll write you a fucken check right now if you want." At that point he steps back and the officer in charge steps in. I realize I have gone overboard, but I can't stop talking right away. The officer finally gets me to listen to him. He explains the car is totaled and it would be just as easy for the tow truck driver to take it to his place and the insurance company to deal with getting it paid for. I listen. I ask the tow truck driver his his name, it's Frank. I say "Frank, I'm sorry, take the car." It turns out he is the guy who bought or at least works out of Chris Kelly's old place. God, I knew Chris was alway extra fair with me, but I never really knew just how much he  did for me until these last few months. I hope he is happy in Tennessee. 

I leave to go to the hospital. I really don't need to watch them take the car off of the rocks. I ask everyone to be on the lookout for a pair of glasses and I leave.

The hospital is in a COVID-19 lock down. This is ok, I'm lost, COVID procedures have become common and almost comforting in their familiarity. I get my temperature checked
and then I am told to go get a pass to see my daughter. If there is someone else with her I have to wait. I'm exhausted, it's cold, so I turn around and go to the car and call Teri. She says Elena is going for an x-ray and Teri will meet me in the waiting room, where you can't wait because of COVID (which I am a full supporter of) I get my pass and how anyone will ever tell it is me I don't know. I stand back from the booth and the guy takes my license. He photographs me and somewhere in in distance in that picture is me wearing a mask and a hat, and it is in black and white. 

I go into the emergency area and after a little help from the front desk I find Elena's room, it's empty. I wait and she comes back. We talk about what I don't know. Everyone who has been scared and is in the hospital know what we talked about. It was nothing important, yet it needed to be said, to reassure the scared that the other person is still alive.

I call Teri and we switch. Teri says I should go home, so  I head out to my car, but I have to do something, something so I can feel like I made a difference on the night I could have lose my daughter. As I drive up 9W toward Congers, turning onto Lake Road, I start to wonder if the car has been moved and if anyone has found Elena's glasses. I pass South Harrison Avenue and turn left onto King's Highway. I figure Orange and Rockland will be replacing the pole, but maybe someone found her glasses or if not I could look. I come around the turn and take the dip in the road. I remember doing this turn earlier and my mind racing wondering what I would find. I see the accident scene in the distance, or I think I do because it is all dark, no one is there. I slow, the road is empty, it is after all 10PM on a Thursday. I slow down more thinking the crash site is real close. Then I hear the crunch of broken glass from my tires. I pull off the road and walk back to the telephone pole she hit. In the dark it doesn't look bad. In the daylight I would see two six or so foot pieces of wood attached on either side and a hole, in the ground where she moved the base of the pole. I begin to look around. There are leaves and tree branches covering the ground. I move as little as possible hoping the glasses are on top. After a few

minutes I start moving leaves and tossing branches. It gets to the point that the two lights I have two flash lights that don't seem bright enough. I'm losing hope of finding the glasses. I remember back to the time about ten years ago when Elena and Nastia were little kids playing in the snow. Somehow Elena loses both lenses in her glasses in the snow. I was able to find one that day, but the other one didn't show up until Spring. I can't wait for Spring.

I start looking again I'm on the verge of giving up when right in front of me blending in pretty well with the leaves are her glasses. They are dirty, but in one piece. I am relieved and declare victory. I get into the car and text Teri and Elena, I found her glasses. Teri texts back asking if I may have gotten Elena's wallet from the car. I reply no and I take a look at the tow truck drivers card. He's in Nyack and the address sounds familiar. I enter it into my phone and head to Nyack. I follow the route and end up at Chris Kelly's old yard. I catch the tow truck driver, Frank just as he is leaving. I tell him I want to get my daughter's wallet out of her car. It's a quick and easy. I head home happy with myself. Somewhere
on 9W, after thinking I might just drop off my treasures at the hospital for Elena, I get a call from Teri, she gives me her, "where are you?" I tell her I'm on 9w and I'll be home in ten minutes. I go on to explain how I went to the tow truck drivers lot. While I was hunting for Elena's things, the hospital released Elena twenty or so minutes ago. Somehow she is fine. I feel a little better and thank god again for her being able to walk away from the accident.

That Saturday Elena and I go to finish cleaning out the car. My
first thought upon seeing the car is it
didn't all make it to the lot, only half of it is here. Three tires are off the car, the fourth hanging on by a lug nut. I begin pulling things out of the trunk, but it seems everything in there is jammed between the crushed metal of the truck and the bumper. I manage to get a vest out, the packing blanket I like them to carry for emergencies and I find the mythical jacket that Elena always says she has in the car when she is leaving without a jacket on. Several bottles of water have died in the accident, thankfully they are the only casualties. I try to get the radio out, but i'm not twenty-five anymore and I hurt my neck when I slide under the dash to check it out. I'll have a headache for the rest of the day. We end our treasure hunt. Frank the tow truck owner says all he needs is the title and a check because we didn't have collision on Elena's car. Why would she need it on an old car. Allstate would total it and we'd get so little so who needs it. Well I found out who needs it. I bitched and complained about the five hundred dollar tow, but Allstate paid it in full. This one we're on the hook for and I quietly write him a check. I return later with the title to put an end to this upsetting chapter. A good car died on Old Mill Road that Thursday. We repaired it when we should have dumped it. It ran well and there was nothing wrong with it five second before Elena decided to pass someone who cut her off on Old Mill Road. It was a stupid angry mistake she could have paid for with her life. Thank God the bill wasn't that expensive. Teri and I would have never gotten over it. 

I was a careless and immature driver when I was Elena's age. I'd get angry and do things that scare me now to think about. Somehow I survived those years. God has blessed me with two incredible children. I missed the first eight and ten years of their lives and at least in this instant he has let me keep both of them for now. I've told them many times I don't want to identify their dead bodies at an accident scene, it'd kill me.

What I gather happened that night is Elena is heading north (away from West Nyack toward Valley Cottage) on Old Mill Road. At Snake Hill Road, a truck turns right from Snake Hill Road cutting her off and in the process pissing her off. She decides to pass him on Old Mill Road, OLD MILL ROAD!, I remember when they were afraid to simply drive normally on that road!! She starts to pass him somewhere near the old Tilcon offices, now United Water offices. The accident was described as a road rage accident, so maybe he didn't let her pass easily. Somewhere during this another car is traveling towards them. The following is mostly guess work. The officer on scene said she hit the front bumper of the guy she was passing. When you look at her passenger side rear door, how it is all smashed in and the fact she hit the telephone pole trunk first, she must have hit the guy's bumper, spun around went through the loose rock wall hitting the pole with her trunk, but not settling there because the car was next to the pole, the truck facing the road.  Either way she was really moving and is oh so lucky to be alive today. It's been a week and in another reality they are attending a funeral for their daughter who wasn't as lucky as our. I hope she knows it and it changes the way she drives and lives her life.

/

We picked up Nastia's new car- new for her

 We have been looking for a car for Nastia since she crashed the Escape. I really liked the Escape, but it was starting to rust out pretty bad around the lift gate. I thought that had been solved when Nastia forgot to start the Escape when she was on a hill, put it into gear and rolled down the hill hitting another car. The rear lift gate and bumper were replaced and the majority of the rust eliminated. Butttttt.... Nastia was not done yet. She was driving home from work one sunny afternoon when a bee flew into her car. Now Nastia has told me for many years bees were dangerous, I just didn't know they were able to steer a car into a guard rail. I guess the bee was depressed and wanted to end it all. That accident finally killed the Escape.

I must admit I have not been without sin in regards to the Escape and accidents. One afternoon I was way up north in Putnam county working looking for business for Cream-O-Land Dairy. I was desperate and I was tired. I hadn't gotten any good stops for my new company so as I headed down this country highway I felt I couldn't stop and anyway these spells of tiredness usually ended without anything happening. Then suddenly the next thing I know I am swerving to get back on the road and away from the guard rail. I nicked it with the fenders front and back living to tell about it. Funny thing I think I then stopped to take a quick nap, which is what I would have done if I  was still working for Marcus., but I wasn't tired any more.

Teri as always seems to be the one who finds the car. I look and don't see anything of interest or at a price that is good. Long time ago I quit saying Nastia or Elena should take out a car loan to build a credit score.

When Teri tells me the car has transmission issues, I say no, it's not worth looking at. She says what can it hurt. We go look, it's night, it's dark. but we look. The car has a dent that runs down the side of the car. Not major, but it is not a plus.It's a Mazda 6 and I am never crazy about buying a car that might be extra expensive to repair, but we look. The car is running when we get there. I open the hood check for any fluid leaks, I don't see any. Dummy me doesn't check under the car and look at the transmission for leaks. I ask to move the car. I get in, the interior is nice, I don't see the cracks in the passenger side of the dash until later. I put the car in gear and rev up the engine. The transmission is slow to engage, but doesn't grind, a good sign I am hoping. I get out and tell the guy We'll have to think about it and we'll give him a call. As we leave Teri and I discuss the car. So time in the next few days the decision to buy the car is made. I go to look at it one last time and to negotiate a price. I give it a once over and this time

I lay on the ground and shine my light at the transmission and see lots of oil on the frame. The guy catches on that there is possibly just an oil leak and he thinks he has a stronger hand. I realize that too and am a little pissed that I didn't do it the first time I was there with all the distractions of other people there. He wants $2800.00, I offer $2200.00. He says there is a guy who is interested and is coming back. I tell him I have three hundred dollars as a deposit and I'm here now. I should have pushed harder and possibly walked away from the car with the question of the transmission unknown, but I didn't and we settled on $2500.00. I figure and I'm pulling numbers out of thin air right now, but the transmission, if it is a gasket will be under $500.00. Then the car is not a bad deal. If the transmission is cracked or some gears are damaged, then it could run over two thousand dollars to fix. Well see in the future.

I gave him two hundred, I thought I bought three, but didn't. We signed a paper saying I did and then he tells me he is waiting for the loan release from the bank and that's fine, I don't care. When he calls we'll come and pick the car up.

He called a few days later and on that Saturday, I go and pick up the car. Teri drives me over. We are meet by the guy, I pay him, put some transmission fluid in the car and try to drive it away. It sort of works, I should have filled it up with six quarts. I ease on down the road at about twenty miles an hour, turn onto Lake road in Valley Cottage and make the left onto Kings Highway. I think this short trip can't make the problem worse. I manage to get to Alexander Brothers at the corner of West Nyack Road and Strawtown without much issue. Once or twice on the trip I thought the car was not going to move again when I put my foot back on the gas, but it did.

That Monday I go talk to Frank at Alexander Brothers and tell him about the car. He says he'll look at it. That afternoon he tells me it need some sort of lines before they can check the car out, they'll run $400.00. I tell him to put them in. Later that day he tells me the transmission is shot. Did I kill it running it over from Valley Cottage or did I just finish the job. Either way Nastia is officially on the hook for a transmission running about $3000.00. They were to take the car over to the transmission place on Wednesday. I get a call that they can't start the car and it's not the battery, which also needs to be replaced. I'm getting the feeling that we are into a money pit. Teri and I talk it over and a little fight breaks out. I didn't want to go see it to begin with and Teri says we didn't have to buy it. Both of us are not happy with the car. I take a day to think about it and go over on Friday to talk to Frank at Alexander Bros. I have decided to put a used transmission in it and get rid of it. When I go over I can't see the car. In the office, Frank says they were trying to start the car the wrong way and it will be ready on Wednesday. I say ok and leave. What could I have said. He did what he thought I wanted and getting angry would have accomplished nothing. 

We go see a car on Sunday. They want $3,000.00 for it. It's a Honda with a rebuilt engine. The odometer says 180,000 miles. The kid selling it says the engine has only 80,000 on it. He shows us a bunch of bills showing repairs he's done on it. I take it for a test drive. It runs smooth, but I also realize that I am done buying used cars. I feel everyone is trying to put something over on us when we look at a car and if not there will always be unknown problems the owners don't know about any way. We thank the people who showed us the car and leave. Nastia didn't even look at the car and says she doesn't trust people any more. I think sadly, welcome to the world.

It's Friday, there is no word on he car, So I am going to end this post because the next one scared me when it happened.

/

Cleaning my daughter's weed (pot) pipe.

 When I first saw her pipe, I told her it looked like a penis and it does. Then one night I see it on the counter. I decide I'd clean it out for her. I scraped all the leftover crap out of the bowl and started running water through it. Watch the video.

I shouldn't be telling this story, really I shouldn't

 The other night Nastia asks me if I would bring her laundry down stairs to the cellar,where the washer is. She has me wrapped around her little finger and I know it so I say, yes. She goes up stairs and about ten minutes later I follow. As I'm walking down the hallway toward her room I see the  gate that is up to keep Misha out of her room and away from the cats and behind it is a corner of a pile of clothes I step over the gate and go to get the clothes. Nastia is near the pile and has no clothes on. Her left is covering her boobs and her right hand is down south covering her vagina, so all of the good stuff is covered. I pick up the clothes and as I'm about to leave when she points with her right hand and says you missed a sock and I'm looking right at her. I laugh and say thanks. She realizes what she's done and covers up. She points a second time  at the sock, but this time uses her foot. I leave and start down the hallway. Elena asks what was so funny? I tell her that her sister was naked and  show her where her hands were and then I tell her to watch my right hand. I point like Nastia did and say you missed a sock. Elena does watch my hand, but misses where it was. so I have to do it a second time and then I get a big Ahhh! Sometimes I just love the two of them so much and life without them would be so boring. 

How many times can I get Nastia upset and yes, finally some news on Elena's room.

 A few days ago Nastia told me about when she, Elena and a new Jesse were at a diner eating. She noticed a table of boys near by and she thought one of them was cute. She is too shy to go and talk to him, so New Jesse, offered to go and tell him Nastia thinks he is cute. New Jessie goes over and tells him. With Nastia's Jesse giving him her number. More goes on, but it's not really relevant. Nastia tells me this story while we are driving, I think to her job. She is still a pedestrian, I'm not anxious to let her get behind the wheel again too soon. She then gives me an off the cuff remark, "I think after bowling I'm going to meet up with him and..." 

I interrupt, "The hell you are, where are you going to meet?"

"I don't know"

"who's going to be there?"

"Him and a friend."

"Fuck, no!, You're not meeting a strange guy and his friend alone!"

It goes on a little longer, mostly me telling her she has to learn more about him then the fact he has issues speaking English and his name is Kevin (yeah, right) and he is Puerto Rican. Yes, she has a thing for guys with great tans. (I'm sorry if that sounds racist, it's supposed to be a joke, but in these thin skinned times with our racist orange raccoon president you have to be careful.)

A few days later I am driving her to work again and I ask her how things are going. The conversation drifts over to her and driving and the restrictions she will have to deal with for the foreseeable future. I tell her she is to never get behind the wheel again without contacts in her eyes. As I pull up to Stop and Shop I say her night driving privileges are being curtailed. She says nothing. I stop and she goes to get out. I tell her I'm doing this because I love her and want her to come home alive, but she's pissed when she gets out of the car.  

There also was the conversation where she tells me she is spending about $100.00 on Keshaun for his birthday. I tell her that is too much for someone you only want to date, but are not. She is also going to spend close to $200.00 on a speaker for him for Christmas because he can't afford it and non of his friends have any money to contribute. I tell her not to, but she will not listen and she is angry with me again, I think, or maybe this time I was angry with her.

There are a few other times I started a conversation with her and it would devolve into her being pissed and me saying or at least thinking, 'I'm only doing this because I love you." I think I finally started to learn when to stop when one day driving her home from work and I ask her about something and after a few moments I feel it start to slide into that conversation again, but this time I stop. 

Now onto Elena's room. Yes that is still happening, or I guess it would be more correct to say, it is happening again, maybe if it was a Broadway play they would call it a revival. You all remember even during a COVID closed Broadway what a revival is? Well, I'm reviving her room. This is a revival like Broadway, not a revival like in a Hospital where the patient is dead and has to be brought back to life, you know, revived. The room was never dead, it was just sleeping waiting for my eventual return. Almost like sleeping beauty, just without the kissing. 

I have been trying to find an angle to restart working on the room. To all of you people who start a job and finish it without issue, I'm speaking a different language. For people with completion issues and I love the feeling when I can look at a completed project there comes a point where you stop and it's like the end of a chapter. Things are completed and you really don't know where it will go from there. It's feels like a road block has been put in front of me and every direction I see to go there feels like a resistance. I can't get going again. The only way forward that I know of at this time is to give myself some time and space on the project and revisit it later. Well later has come and I decided to try the concentrate on the top of the pile method I use at work when I feel overwhelmed. Nothing else exists except for what I have decided is on the top of the pile of papers. It get me going again at work and I feel less stressful. So I decided the closet is top of the pile. I took down some sheet rock that I put up too soon and fit the door into place, got an idea how everything would fit and went out and purchased wood. The next week (yeah, I know, but Rome and all wasn't built in a day.) I started to build the closet. The pictures are of one of the fitting of the closet. I built the bones of the closet, you know put up the two by fours and then take them down twice and recut them as I noticed mistakes and miscalculations I'd made. I worked on the closet for three weekends and I think I am at the point where I won't have to take it down again. I just need to find hinges that I like for the door and have space for them. 

Now it is time for my Jet's football joke, and yes I was a Giants fan back in the LT days. I have this Jets tape measure, but I had to get rid of it. Every time I used it I'd have to measure three time then punt.

/

I've put off writing this one

 I'm at work on Tuesday a little before six PM, my phone rings, it's Nastia. When I answer, she says hi in a light, jovial tone. Then I hear the words out of her mouth. She has gotten into another accident. She was at a light behind another car. The light changes and she goes, but the car in front doesn't. She damages her sister's car's hood and from the pictures looks like she put a small dent in the liftgate of  the car she hit. Again I'm at work, but I lose and start telling her she has got to be more careful and I'm not going to an accident scene to identify her body. I stop and receive only silence. I know when that

happens I've made her start to cry. I feel awful and start to talk quietly and calmly. I get her to talk to me and she says she is with her sister and is going home. I apologise to everyone in the office for yelling. My boss Ted says if it was his father, he would have been killed for doing what Nastia has done. Three accidents in about a month.

When I get home Teri says Nastia comes in crying. I feel awful about what has happened and then I spend sometime thinking about the accidents. All three were preventable. At least two of them were from her being careless. I give her a pass on the bee. 

She says the guy she hit said he will not be making a claim. Two days later I get a message on my phone from Allstate someone has make a claim against our policy. I haven't returned the call yet. I hope we will not get dropped from Allstate. I also hope we can afford our new insurance policy coming in the end of October.

All the other fun around here is the same. The girls are waiting out COVID before going back to college, they can't really get into remote learning. Elena is still not dating Matt. She did come home with a mark on her neck the other night. And a week or two ago she was making jokes about being pregnant or at least needing the morning after pill. It's the closed book of Elena again. No one know what is just a joke and what is a joke telling everyone that now both of my daughters have had sex. 

Both are still working at their respective jobs at ShopRite and Stop and Shop. Nastia less then full time, Elena just about full time. 

Teri still hates her job and would like to find something else where people listen to her advise.

Me, what's that Led Zeppelin line in a song of theirs, Me. I'm  just ramblin on.

/

To the Heart of the Matter*

 * Don Henley

Now onto another fun topic. Getting older. For years I ran. And for a longer time I did a physical job. When I'd donate blood, I was told my heart rate was excellent. I took pride in that fact and in the fact my blood pressure was normally right on. One time it was slightly high, so I lost some weight and cut out salt. Just like all good intensions, it was pushed to the side. When COVID hit I spent the first few months eating, stress eating. Lately I'd started to lose some weight. Then about a week or so ago I get this pain in my chest. It's got to be gas. so I ignore it, it goes away. When it comes back and yes the pain is centered just under my breast, I decide to keep an eye on it and eat healthy. It goes away and for a while it is gone and forgotten. This past Sunday, today is Saturday, I decide to make blintz. I go out with Nastia to the Russian store in Spring Valley. She gets chocolate and pomegranate juice, I get russian farmers cheese. I make the blintz and after tasting them think they are awful. I do eat several of them. The blintz have a crape outside and a cream cheese and farmer's cheese inside. The combination is cooked in a pan in butter. Sounds really great, but they were awful. The next morning the pain is back. I resolve to eat healthy again. Oatmeal and salads, but the pain is still there. The pain is not there all the time and it is not a sharp pain nor does it radiate up to my shoulder and down my arm. When it happens it's just a dull pain in my chest. Wednesday rolls around and Nastia, Elena and I go COVID bowling. everything is fine, weird, but fine. The next morning, Thursday, I wake up at 4:45 AM sleeping on my left shoulder. I feel alright, but this I roll over onto my other side and I feel the pain in my chest. It's still dull, but it never bothered me like this before. You know how problems always seem bigger and more unsolvable when you're in bed. Well here I am trying to figure out what to do. Our insurance is not taken by our doctor, Doctor Errickson, a good man. I have made an appointment to get a physical, but it is about ten days away. In bed at 4:45 I'm wondering if I'm going to make it to the 29th. I try to figure out how to solve what to me has become an unsolvable problem. I don't want to die, but I don't want to spend a fortune going to our doctor, who is out of network. And I don't want to go to a new doctor. both of whom will send me to another doctor that will cost money we really don't have. GOD, I love this country, but it is one of the only places in the civilized world where you can go broke getting health care. I wish ass holes like Trump and my fellow Republicans would understand this. Great health care is useless if you can't afford it. I remember my brother Karl saying Canada, which has public health care only has six machines to diagnose cancer while New York state has forty or something like that. I told him it didn't matter to me if I could afford to use any of them. I didn't know at the time he had cancer. 

When I get up a six to help with the dogs I have come to no conclusion. Teri leaves for work and with the girls asleep. I am left on my own. I haven't told Teri anything because I know what she'd do and say,"Go to Nyack Hospital, now." At times I conclude that I'll go to the hospital, costs be damned. Then I think maybe I can go to immediate medical care at Crossfield in West Nyack. It's 8:45. I forgot I need gas and now there is no time to get to Costco. I stop into BP on the corner, my card doesn't work. The machine says to go see attendant. If I wanted to see him I would have paid cash. I driver off without gas, south on Rt 303. It's the road that gives me options, my mother's or Nyack Hospital. I turn toward Nyack confident that I can always turn around. I follow the route I used to take when we lived in Nyack. I turn right just before Oak Hill down a one way street looking for parking. If I have to pay I will leave, just like with the gas station. I pull off to the side of the road giving my right side tire a good solid scrape on the curb. I imagine my family coming to get my car because I have been admitted to the hospital and finding the tire flat. I wonder who would be the one to change it. I sit in the car wondering what would happen to all my possessions, things that I feel near and dear to, but other people don't understand. Would all of the genealogy stuff get treasured by someone the way I do, or would it be shifted through and divided up and some tossed away because no one know what that ships wheel really is or why I have this group of papers or that group. Why did he save these, there really just trash. Without thinking I pick up my phone and call Teri. Teri answers it her usual way, "What's wrong" with something maybe wrong this time I ask about her story last night about hearing the sound of dog in the field and thinking someone dumped puppies there. She says there was no barking. Pleasantries over I dive in before I change my mind. I say,"Don't get upset, but I'm sitting outside of Nyack Hospital, I've had a dull pain in my chest off and on." I don't say for how long. She says she'll be right there. 

I get out of the car and walk across the parking lot toward the main entrance.A women with a thermometer points it at my head and grants me entrance. I know I should go to emergency, but I still can't get to that point. I walk to the desk and am asked how can they be of help. I tell them I am having a dull pain in my chest. With no sign of alarm he points me toward emergency. I am calm, but still taking it a step at a time. I go to the next desk and repeat my same speech. I'm told to wait one minute. When the person comes back she tells me to come with her. As I enter emergency, I hear, "Patient entering with chest pains" It was weird and a little scary. It still wasn't real. I'm lead to room 25. I'm asked to sit down and remove my shirt. A tech takes my blood pressure and heart rate. Another tech puts little stickers on me hooking wires up to them. I've had this before, but I don't know what it is called. Blood is drawn. Teri is on her way and suddenly I'd really like her to be her with me right now. A doctor right from central casting enters my room and introduces himself as Doctor Clark. He asks all the usual questions. How is my health, do I smoke, drink, have you ever had this happen before, where is the pain, how bad is it now? It feels good to talk about it after not telling anybody about it for the last week. He leaves to check on other patients and will return when the test results are in. I wait, watching the world go by outside through my glass door and walls. Teri arrives and we talk. I tell her about what is going on and for how long, She wants to punch me for waiting. I can't blame her. I just wanted it to go away and it wouldn't, so here I am. We wait occasionally talking. I get a call from Ted. He tells me his problems and I tell him what was suppose to happen. He asks when will I be in? I tell him something has come up and I'll be in late, it's only ten minutes to ten in the morning, so much has gone on. We continue to wait. A tech comes in with a portable x-ray machine, it is so cool. She puts a cold plate behind me against the mattress, aims the big gun at my chest and fires. It's done in a minute, pretty cool. I want a copy.A nurse occasionally comes in to check on me. Doctor Clark comes in to update us. When he leaves Teri says he's got some Keanu Reeves going on there, but he's not really that pretty. 

We wait some more. When the pain in my chest returns Doctor Clark performs the tests with the round stickers connected to the wire again. (boy, that's gonna cost) About two-thirty Doctor Clark comes in and says all tests are coming back clean and I can go as soon as the last set come back, about forty-five minutes.

The clock continues to tick away. It gets to be about four. Long ago I gave up on going back to work. Now I just want to go home and I also wonder if they charge by the hour for this room. About 4:15 my paper work arrives and we can go. I start to pull all of those round tab off my chest and arms and legs. Everytime I think I'm done, I find another one. Finally when all are off I put my shirt on. Teri forever cool in the ER wears my sweater. We walk through the ER. It is a bit surreal. Occasionally a person wheels by or we pass ambulance workers. I've had my mask on for over six hours when I hit the fresh air. It is warmer and more humid then the ER, it feels good. Earlier Teri had asked where I parked, I said the side street. Teri said she parked on the same street, but didn't see me. When we get to the cars she is parked across the one way street from me, just a little behind me. I guess she had something else on her mind when she parked. I check the right side wall, the tire I imagined someone would have to change when I was admitted or died. It is fine, just a little low. I drive home not full in my body. My mind races thinking about things I don't remember. At home I'm a little lost. The doctor said to get a stress test and to take it easy for now. I missed lunch, so I eat chips and drink soda, I want a beer. Life is good and I begin to reflect some on my pain. It really didn't get worse until I went bowling. I sleep on my left side mostly. Could I have pulled a chest muscle and everytime I use my left arm hurt the muscle and that is why it comes and goes. The doctor said my heart and lungs looked good. And he wants me to get that stress test and I will, but could all of this have been a pulled muscle. I can only hope.

/

Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll*

 * Really only one        

I've always tried to be open with my daughters about sex, drugs and rock and roll. I've told them many times their music sucks. I expect them both to have healthy and happy sex lives, just not today. In all seriousness, I'm sure one of them has had sex. Now when it comes to drugs Teri and I have been open and above board about them. We continue to remind them that they come from parents with addictive personalities. We tried to steer Elena away from energy drinks, but have not been very successful. I dread the day she wakes up with her first caffeine headache. Or worse has a heart scare from all the caffeine she ingests. Elena and Nastia in relaxed conversations occasionally drop hints as to their familiarity with the current drug culture. When I talk about pot, they call it weed. When I mention dime or nickel bags, they talk about eighths. For me a dime bag, the few I bought were ten dollars. Nastia says an eighth is forty dollars. Most likely an eighth is an eighth of an ounce. F'n millennials got to change everything. Take it from someone who watched peace, love and understanding baby boomers find reality. Most of what you're now doing will mean nothing when you're forty plus. 

Anyway the reason for this post. Nastia bought home from work a bit of weed (really, it's still pot) for a friend at work. It was the size of a button and not a big one. She wanted to smoke it and asked me if I wanted to join her. I said ok. She then goes on that we need a grinder. I get confused and ask her why? She says to grind it up into a powder so it can be smoked. I tell her it's not necessary, but we will need rolling papers. Nastia wants to use a pipe. Teri gets invited to joins us and she still had a pipe from her old days (I can't help but laugh about that and I don't know why) I crush the weed (really, it's still pot) and put it into the pipe (she really still has her pipe and it's really cute) We go into the kitchen to get the lighter and I light it up, take a quick drag feeling it enter my lungs and my wanting to cough as it expands in my lungs. I hand it to Nastia, she takes a small hit and then over to Teri who takes a deep drag and it goes around once more being relit at each stop. After two rounds it is finished and it was harsh and really crap weed (really, it's still pot!) I go to watch TV wondering if it will hit me like the pot brownies from earlier in the winter. It doesn't, it's crap weed (really....IT'S POT) Nastia goes upstairs to facetime a new person (guy) she has become friends with. She comes down later and pulls a Teri and falls asleep on the couch with her head in my lap. I watch TV until I get sleepy. Teri goes up at 10:30. Nastia sleeps until 12:30 when I try to gently wake her up. The next morning she blames the weed (POT!!) for making her sleepy. I guess it was sleepy time pot (WEED!!, OH, WHATEVER!!!) It was a major nonevent. Oh, I take that back. When Elena comes home at 9:30 she complains we smoked without her. Yeah, this is starting to sound really weird. I still think the idea of control, even if it is an illusion is necessary. We try to be approachable and open to things that we remember happening when we were younger. My parents didn't want to or couldn't talk to me about many things that I came in contact with over the years. The fact that they ignored them didn't make them go away. I also understand that just because they are open about things doesn't mean that Teri or I have any control over the outcome. We would really like Elena not to drink energy drinks, yet she still does. Smoking pot or making brownies with weed in them lets them know we condone their use. Even if we didn't would that stop them from trying them. Again I know control is all an illusion. So we concentrate on responsible use. We don't drink and drive. If you smoke be careful and call us. We'll come and get you no questions or lecture. Elena is allowed to drink Mike's hard lemonade, at home. She is just twenty and as long as she is reasonable, no problem. I guess that is all you can do. I hope I don't look back a few years later and wonder what possessed me to give them this latitude.

/