To the Heart of the Matter*

 * Don Henley

Now onto another fun topic. Getting older. For years I ran. And for a longer time I did a physical job. When I'd donate blood, I was told my heart rate was excellent. I took pride in that fact and in the fact my blood pressure was normally right on. One time it was slightly high, so I lost some weight and cut out salt. Just like all good intensions, it was pushed to the side. When COVID hit I spent the first few months eating, stress eating. Lately I'd started to lose some weight. Then about a week or so ago I get this pain in my chest. It's got to be gas. so I ignore it, it goes away. When it comes back and yes the pain is centered just under my breast, I decide to keep an eye on it and eat healthy. It goes away and for a while it is gone and forgotten. This past Sunday, today is Saturday, I decide to make blintz. I go out with Nastia to the Russian store in Spring Valley. She gets chocolate and pomegranate juice, I get russian farmers cheese. I make the blintz and after tasting them think they are awful. I do eat several of them. The blintz have a crape outside and a cream cheese and farmer's cheese inside. The combination is cooked in a pan in butter. Sounds really great, but they were awful. The next morning the pain is back. I resolve to eat healthy again. Oatmeal and salads, but the pain is still there. The pain is not there all the time and it is not a sharp pain nor does it radiate up to my shoulder and down my arm. When it happens it's just a dull pain in my chest. Wednesday rolls around and Nastia, Elena and I go COVID bowling. everything is fine, weird, but fine. The next morning, Thursday, I wake up at 4:45 AM sleeping on my left shoulder. I feel alright, but this I roll over onto my other side and I feel the pain in my chest. It's still dull, but it never bothered me like this before. You know how problems always seem bigger and more unsolvable when you're in bed. Well here I am trying to figure out what to do. Our insurance is not taken by our doctor, Doctor Errickson, a good man. I have made an appointment to get a physical, but it is about ten days away. In bed at 4:45 I'm wondering if I'm going to make it to the 29th. I try to figure out how to solve what to me has become an unsolvable problem. I don't want to die, but I don't want to spend a fortune going to our doctor, who is out of network. And I don't want to go to a new doctor. both of whom will send me to another doctor that will cost money we really don't have. GOD, I love this country, but it is one of the only places in the civilized world where you can go broke getting health care. I wish ass holes like Trump and my fellow Republicans would understand this. Great health care is useless if you can't afford it. I remember my brother Karl saying Canada, which has public health care only has six machines to diagnose cancer while New York state has forty or something like that. I told him it didn't matter to me if I could afford to use any of them. I didn't know at the time he had cancer. 

When I get up a six to help with the dogs I have come to no conclusion. Teri leaves for work and with the girls asleep. I am left on my own. I haven't told Teri anything because I know what she'd do and say,"Go to Nyack Hospital, now." At times I conclude that I'll go to the hospital, costs be damned. Then I think maybe I can go to immediate medical care at Crossfield in West Nyack. It's 8:45. I forgot I need gas and now there is no time to get to Costco. I stop into BP on the corner, my card doesn't work. The machine says to go see attendant. If I wanted to see him I would have paid cash. I driver off without gas, south on Rt 303. It's the road that gives me options, my mother's or Nyack Hospital. I turn toward Nyack confident that I can always turn around. I follow the route I used to take when we lived in Nyack. I turn right just before Oak Hill down a one way street looking for parking. If I have to pay I will leave, just like with the gas station. I pull off to the side of the road giving my right side tire a good solid scrape on the curb. I imagine my family coming to get my car because I have been admitted to the hospital and finding the tire flat. I wonder who would be the one to change it. I sit in the car wondering what would happen to all my possessions, things that I feel near and dear to, but other people don't understand. Would all of the genealogy stuff get treasured by someone the way I do, or would it be shifted through and divided up and some tossed away because no one know what that ships wheel really is or why I have this group of papers or that group. Why did he save these, there really just trash. Without thinking I pick up my phone and call Teri. Teri answers it her usual way, "What's wrong" with something maybe wrong this time I ask about her story last night about hearing the sound of dog in the field and thinking someone dumped puppies there. She says there was no barking. Pleasantries over I dive in before I change my mind. I say,"Don't get upset, but I'm sitting outside of Nyack Hospital, I've had a dull pain in my chest off and on." I don't say for how long. She says she'll be right there. 

I get out of the car and walk across the parking lot toward the main entrance.A women with a thermometer points it at my head and grants me entrance. I know I should go to emergency, but I still can't get to that point. I walk to the desk and am asked how can they be of help. I tell them I am having a dull pain in my chest. With no sign of alarm he points me toward emergency. I am calm, but still taking it a step at a time. I go to the next desk and repeat my same speech. I'm told to wait one minute. When the person comes back she tells me to come with her. As I enter emergency, I hear, "Patient entering with chest pains" It was weird and a little scary. It still wasn't real. I'm lead to room 25. I'm asked to sit down and remove my shirt. A tech takes my blood pressure and heart rate. Another tech puts little stickers on me hooking wires up to them. I've had this before, but I don't know what it is called. Blood is drawn. Teri is on her way and suddenly I'd really like her to be her with me right now. A doctor right from central casting enters my room and introduces himself as Doctor Clark. He asks all the usual questions. How is my health, do I smoke, drink, have you ever had this happen before, where is the pain, how bad is it now? It feels good to talk about it after not telling anybody about it for the last week. He leaves to check on other patients and will return when the test results are in. I wait, watching the world go by outside through my glass door and walls. Teri arrives and we talk. I tell her about what is going on and for how long, She wants to punch me for waiting. I can't blame her. I just wanted it to go away and it wouldn't, so here I am. We wait occasionally talking. I get a call from Ted. He tells me his problems and I tell him what was suppose to happen. He asks when will I be in? I tell him something has come up and I'll be in late, it's only ten minutes to ten in the morning, so much has gone on. We continue to wait. A tech comes in with a portable x-ray machine, it is so cool. She puts a cold plate behind me against the mattress, aims the big gun at my chest and fires. It's done in a minute, pretty cool. I want a copy.A nurse occasionally comes in to check on me. Doctor Clark comes in to update us. When he leaves Teri says he's got some Keanu Reeves going on there, but he's not really that pretty. 

We wait some more. When the pain in my chest returns Doctor Clark performs the tests with the round stickers connected to the wire again. (boy, that's gonna cost) About two-thirty Doctor Clark comes in and says all tests are coming back clean and I can go as soon as the last set come back, about forty-five minutes.

The clock continues to tick away. It gets to be about four. Long ago I gave up on going back to work. Now I just want to go home and I also wonder if they charge by the hour for this room. About 4:15 my paper work arrives and we can go. I start to pull all of those round tab off my chest and arms and legs. Everytime I think I'm done, I find another one. Finally when all are off I put my shirt on. Teri forever cool in the ER wears my sweater. We walk through the ER. It is a bit surreal. Occasionally a person wheels by or we pass ambulance workers. I've had my mask on for over six hours when I hit the fresh air. It is warmer and more humid then the ER, it feels good. Earlier Teri had asked where I parked, I said the side street. Teri said she parked on the same street, but didn't see me. When we get to the cars she is parked across the one way street from me, just a little behind me. I guess she had something else on her mind when she parked. I check the right side wall, the tire I imagined someone would have to change when I was admitted or died. It is fine, just a little low. I drive home not full in my body. My mind races thinking about things I don't remember. At home I'm a little lost. The doctor said to get a stress test and to take it easy for now. I missed lunch, so I eat chips and drink soda, I want a beer. Life is good and I begin to reflect some on my pain. It really didn't get worse until I went bowling. I sleep on my left side mostly. Could I have pulled a chest muscle and everytime I use my left arm hurt the muscle and that is why it comes and goes. The doctor said my heart and lungs looked good. And he wants me to get that stress test and I will, but could all of this have been a pulled muscle. I can only hope.

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