What was I thinking?

I don't want to write this blog, but I am hopping that in the future Elena and I can laugh about it all. Elena and I are sooo much alike, it hurts at times like this. I remember all the times my dad and brother Karl would fight and I would always wait for it to turn violent. Tonight when Elena and I had our episode it was very close to violent. It started out very inocent. I came home and Teri was sad. She was making dinner at 7 at night and complained that no one was helping her. I thought that I should do something about that. So I head upstairs to confront the girl. When I get there they are bundled up to go out for a walk. And as Nastia goes down the stairs she confirms this. So in my most diplomatic of forms I tell them "The fuck you are" or maybe it was something similar, but I di use the word 'fuck'. This is were Elena gets into it. She begins to spew a line of curses woven into vast amounts of anger and even hatred. I don't think the hatred was directed at me, but I just happened to be there and I set it off by cursing at her. Now the funny part and I'm sure we will all laugh about this sometime in the future, maybe. Nastia and Elena had cleared it with their mother to go for the walk. No one had told me though. As Elena spews her anger and hatred in my general direction I notice little bits of spit start to come out of her mouth. It's funny what you notice when you are being assulted by someone you thought loved you more then this. The hatred and anger continue on. My fists are doubled and I am hanging on for dear life. I know if I touch her it will be all over. I think I can still take her but at what cost? The cost of this fight, one I didn't think would happen amd I didn't go up there to cause has already cost too much. All the work I've done to repair the vestages of the previos fight between her and I has most likely gone out teh window, so I hang on for dear life trying not to lose it. Finally I say to no one inparticular, "That's it I'm done, no more." I don't know if I was declaring that I would take no more of her abuse or that I was lewaving or if maybe I was not going to hit her and I was leaving. Whatever it ws I walked down the stairs shaking with the anger she bought up in. I was also sure that same anger boiled more hotly inside her. Ah the passions of youth. I go down into the kitchen, Teri pleading in my ear not to break her. I'm hearing this wondering what I just did if not, not break her. Teri goes in what would normally be heart breaking detail about breaking her. I keep telling Teri to stop. Teri then switches gears and starts complaining that she can't walk around between to fragile egos. I'm hurt and insulted that she thinks I have a fragile. I spent fourteen years in therapy getting in touch with my feelings and she calls it my fragile ego. I feel battered by both sides at this point and I try again to get her to stop. Finally after something she says about Elena, I decide to go upstairs. I think I found a starting point to talk with Elena. I walk through the dinning room from the kitchen with determined steps. Nastia walked into the kitchen just before I left and said Elena had calmed down. Maybe I felt that was my opening. I climb the stairs quitly, only the squeeking of the wood gives away that I am approaching. When I get upstair I am confronted by the closed bathroom door. I call out for Elena in my calmest voice. She replies and I know she is not as calm as Nastia has said. I ask her to open teh door so we can talk, she says no and I am sure now she is still very angry. I wonder for a brief second if I have made a mistake coming up here so soon. I plunge ahead and begin to talk to the door tell her my version of the events and how I didn't come up there to start a fight and I know you don't value my apologys (a left over from a former fight) but I'm sorry. The door opens and when it hits me she says she is sorry. I see her fists clinched and they shake slightly, in adation to her lip trembling. She is still very angry and the adrenaline in her system is still having it's way with her. WE talk more and slowly she starts to unwind. Eventually I have enough courage to ask her for a hung. When she comes to me and hungs me I know it is really over and I hung her back like there is no tomorrow.I tell her I love her. The fight will have a lasting impact on our relationship. well aT least on my side of the relationship. I wonder where we will proceed from here. She hides in her room each night and we rarely talk. When I drive her to work we talk for a little while, then she hides in her music. I don't stop her. Maybe she could use fourteen years of therapy like I went through. I was drinking while I wrote this so I didn't bother editing it. Post mortem: It's the next morning and I've edited some of it. I've improved some of the spelling, but I'm not going to change much more. I woke up sad this morning, feeling a little out of sorts. I was in bed trying not to think about what happened last night. On an emotional level I am very hurt, but on an itellectual level I am able to step back and examine what happened. I cursed really not at her, but at her sister. It caused her to get very angry. Now is this anger which was very over the top and excessive aimed at me or men in general or at people who have power, preceived or other wise? It was too over the top to be aimed solely at me, I think. Elena is dating Matt, but she refuses to admit she is dating him, I think because she has so much invested in this relationship that if it were ever to end and had admitted she is in love with him and dating him, she would have admitted a weakness in addation to being devastated. And that would be too much for her to admit to. So does her anger come from people having power over her, or is it that she attacks men because of the power they may hold over her or does she attack because of a love she is afraid will be withdrawn? I don't know, I have no training except being in the other chair for fourteen years. I'm very afraid for her future if she doesn't get back into therapy. She follows our rules and regulations, but when we are gone will there still be that tether to abide by rules set by people who are not here any more? She doesn't drink much, but as she gets older will that change and cause her problems? She smokes, will that become a problem? I pray to god neither one of us ever have to find out if any of these above things will cause her pain. Life is rough enough without all of those demons running around in your head yelling all of those nasty things they can yell. It took me years to silence mine and sometimes even now I can still hear them. /