Oh for Alzheimer's 4/11/16

I don't know how many people can actually put themselves in my shoes. First off you have to eliminate all the people without children. Then you need to eliminate all the women and finally you need the eliminate all the men who don't really remember what it was like being a teenage boy interested in girls. There are more then they know. Yes the world has changed in the almost forty years since I've been a teenager, but it is still the same focus for boys, to get a girlfriend and have sex. Now, tomorrow, next week, whatever, that is the focus of being a teenage boy. I was one and I very clearly remember it.
 I remember going on vacation with my then girlfriend's family and the mother getting all upset that her daughter and I were on a pullout bed watching TV. I couldn't understand why she was so upset. If We wanted to have sex there were plenty of places we could go and not have to worry about someone seeing us.
  Now flash forward almost forty years. I have a teenage, two teenage daughters, one with a steady boyfriend, who is also seventeen, the age of my first girlfriend when we met. Lately she has been complaining about her stomach hurting. It has been going on and off for several weeks.
  I get a phone call, I missed, then a text that Nastia has thrown up in school, could I handle it, it's my wife's first day at her new job. I text Nastia and tell her she is going to the Doctor's after school to get her stomach problem looked into. Oh, and I forgot to say her period is late by almost three weeks. Yeah, I didn't have to hit you with a blunt object to make you see where I'm going with this one did I. And if I do, here is a picture of my daughter with a baby, not hers looking a little too happy.
  We get to the Doctors office and I let her sign in. She doesn't read where and how to write her name and ends up having to cross out what she hastily wrote and rewrite it. (I'm making a point with this aside.) We sit down and wait for the Doctor. After about fifteen minutes we go to the exam room and wait a few minutes more. While there she is bouncing around and we get to talking. I don't remember what exactly was said, but I told her nothing she said today was going to get her in trouble. I don't think she got the hint.
  The Doctor's assistant comes in and asks some questions. I tell her that Nastia has on and off had stomach problems and she threw up in school today and it was time to find out what was happening. I also slipped in that her period was very late this month. They picked up on it. She asked some questions and when the assistant said if she's ever had sexual intercourse, I stopped the assistant and said to Nastia, "Do You know what she said?" Nastia says "No".
  I say, "Before I tell you what it means, if you want me to leave the room after I tell you, I will." So I say to her, "Have You ever had sex?" I was asked to leave the room. I make a point of telling the Assistant I would be down the hall if she needed me.
  So there I was, at the end of the hall where I could hear voices, but not make out what was said. I listen harder, still just static and mumbles. A few minutes later the assistant came out to get Doctor Katylar, Nastia, steps out of the room and looks where I am. As the door is closing I hear, "Come on Nastia, your father is not here." I start to get more nervous. I felt like someone has hooked me up to a caffeine machine and turned it on high. I feel my arms shaking, I was really starting to get nervous. I was not ready to be a grandfather. My brother has fully embraced the notion of grandfatherhood, I am not ready.
   A little while later Nastia leaves the exam room with a little piece of paper, for some drug that I have no idea what it is for. I don't want Nastia to think I am prying so I say nothing, ask no questions and anything I say is loud, so everyone can hear. Like when one of the assistants say she is almost a women, I reply that I have to walk behind her with a baseball bat to keep the boys away. I was going to add a Walking dead reference about barbed wire wrapped around it but that audience would of just thought I was weird and not thought hey a Negan, walking dead reference, cool. By the way Abraham is the one he killed, my guess.
  We leave the office and get in the elevator, Nastia asks if anything is wrong, I of course say no. We get to the car and going out of the parking lot someone is going to slow, then someone on the road doesn't go when the light changes and I almost hit them and I call them a bitch. Nastia starts to pet my arm. I tell her I am OK... hardly.
 We get home and Nastia goes inside. I text Teri with the details of the visit. She asks the question on everyone's mind, except maybe Nastia, (I don't know for sure) Is she pregnant? I reply I think not...
  So there We are, the live of a father of two daughters who wishes he did not remember so much about being a teenage boy and how his one goal in life was to get a girlfriend and get laid.
  Oh for Alzheimer's