Things can change sometimes at a moments notices and if the signs are there you should be able to read them. Tonight I missed them all. In my defense they were all subtle and they only irritated me a little, but it kept building up until the inevitable explosion.
It was Elena's twentieth birthday today and I'll get into that in a little while or maybe in another post. My little irritations I guess started with the place we went for dinner. It's called Flames or something like that. It had 4.2 stars and I have begun to learn stars are useless. The steak I got was a 16oz Ribeye and it cost $29.95. It was poor, but I didn't want to ruin the night ( I was unknowingly saving that for later) by saying it was not a good steak. I didn't have beer in a effort to watch my calorie intake and to keep the bill down. The waitress was excellent and I think everyone else enjoyed their food. We left the restaurant and took a long trip to Northvale NJ to go to Dairy Queen. When we got there Nastia had to use the bathroom and they wouldn't let us. I said it was an emergency, they said there was nothing they could do. I then tried to use my Dairy Queen gift cards and the card reader was down, It has been down for over a year! (Last time I go there) We get into the car and I'm quiet. Usually when I'm quiet like I was it is a danger sign. Nothing hit me that I was angry inside. On the way home there is construction on the side of the Thruway. Teri frets the exit is closed. I tell her it is still about a half mile away. She says no it isn't it's right there. I feel the first flash of anger. I'm still not aware of what's inside. (By the way yes the exit wasn't a half mile away, but it wasn't right there either AND IT WAS OPEN, nope no anger here) At home I grab something from the car and go inside to let the dogs out. I distract Mesha while the other dogs come out. Everyone goes inside and Teri is going to bed. I bring Mesha back outside, While I'm not looking Elena comes out and grabs the dog's snout. She has been told not to do this. It's happened before and it's usually because she is angry at the dog. I understand that, but you can't intimidate an insecure dog, who is also a coward and a bully. I didn't loose my temper in typical Joe Muller fashion. When Elena goes by me I grab her in a bear hug and pick her up and squeeze her as hard as I can and tell her I love her, but sometimes she really pisses me off. I put her down and she goes inside. It takes a few minutes for me to realize that I need to apologize to her. I was wrong to do that. So I go upstairs and I see her putting back up the gate to stop Mesha from going into the room where the cats food is. I gently touch her and getting no response I go to pick her up to hugs her and tell her I'm sorry. (reading this I see another major mistake. I just squeezed her and I expect her to accept a hug from me?) I hear, feel, sense, something is telling me there are tears in her eyes. At that moment she comes up with such fury and anger. She tells me she fucken hates me, my apologies are fucking meaningless, I lose my temper and apologize all the time. I bring my arm back to cover my chest because I think she is going to hit me. If she did hit me I think it would have hurt less then what she said.She sees my arm go up and she continues on. What are you going to fucking hit me, go ahead, I'll punch your fuckin teeth out. By this time Teri has heard the commotion and she is asking what is going on? I turn around and walk away. Teri goes to talk to Elena, to comfort her and I head down stairs feeling alone. I'm sorry if you do or don't feel sorry for me. I lost my temper and tried to correct it. I was very hurt by what she said. I have also begun to realize that there are words that can't be unsaid. I seem to inspire people to say those words to me. I don't know if it is because I want them to and I encourage them to or is it because I inspire them to feel that way and they say it.
I ended up in the kitchen. Have you ever wanted to get out of there wherever you are and realize you have no place to go. That was were I was at this point. I stopped in the kitchen listening to Teri work her charm with Elena. I was glad deeply inside when I heard a laugh. Nastia comes down to see if I'm ok. I said I was even though I wasn't. After a few moments and me thinking I could use a little attention like Elena was getting from Teri, Elena and Teri come downstairs. Elena come directly to me and we hug. Her version of crying is like she has a runny nose and she has to keep sniffing it back hard. We stand there for a while. It might have been a minute, maybe more. I'd move my arms every so often to make sure I wasn't stopping her from breathing. I wanted to tell her I was sorry, but she'd already told me my apologies are meaningless. I know by picking her up and squeezing her real hard I made her feel helpless and you can't do that to her and that was why she reacted the way she did, I think. I did tell her I was sorry and I remember telling her that when I lose my temper I try to fix it as soon as possible. They were all just apologizes, but I think in the end maybe she didn't dismiss them out of hand. Elena's apologies are very simple and straightforward. I have yet to hear her say the words, but I knew they were there tonight when she hugged me and cried in my arms.
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